I can't say that I grew up badly because I didn't. I can say that I grew up with overbearing parents that were incredibly hard on me. They didn't want me to do anything outside of their hopes and dreams for me, which we all know is wrong. As an adult, I'm still struggling with the fact that I don't have to be that hard on myself. For instance, I think every mistake I make with my boyfriend makes me a terrible girlfriend. When in reality, it doesn't. If we never made mistakes, we could never learn from them. Another example, I never look as good as I think I should, but no one ever imposed those views on me (except for media itself). I still remember when I did gain weight and my Dad called me fat. I had never been called fat before, but yet when I lose weight no one recognizes that. For my parents, whenever I make it home it still isn't good enough. They always say, "What took you so long?" There is never the happiness of "We're so glad you made it!" It really kills me because I feel like nothing I have ever done has been pleasing to them. Growing up there were 2 things that I wanted to do: run track and model, but I wasn't allowed to do either of them. I still regret that because I was never allowed to fulfill my dreams. When I decided to leave home and go to school; that wasn't pleasing either. All I got from them was, "Why can't you live at home and go to school?" To be perfectly honest, I was miserable at home. I had all these rules and expectations over my head and none of them had anything to do with the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be different. I wanted to do things that made me happy. But there's always that piece of me that goes back to them with thoughts of "Will my parents be proud of me?" And I hate that. I went back to school and upon graduation the questions were, "Why don't you look for a job near home?" They still don't understand. All I know is I don't deserve the hardship. I can't say that I haven't made mistakes in my life, but I've done the best I could in all things.
On the other hand, the one person that has never EVER judged me in any way is my Gramma. She has always supported and encouraged me in every endeavor that I have had. I can't talk to my Gramma on the phone without crying because it is so refreshing to have someone like that in your life. Someone who believes in you and thinks every step you've made in life has been grand. My Gramma just believes in living life that is pleasing to yourself and the Lord. She isn't a hard person to please and always wishes for happiness for the people she loves.
Going back to my boyfriend though, he doesn't have unfair expectations of me as his girlfriend, so it isn't fair for me to be so hard on myself about everything that happens in our relationship. I have to realize that honesty or disagreements between us isn't the end of the world. It doesn't mean that we're going to break up. It's a learning experience. We have to grow together and that isn't possible if we never discuss or talk about things that happen. I slip up sometimes but that doesn't make me a bad person. We won't always do things that are pleasing to each other. We won't always consider each others feelings or see both sides of a situation, but I guarantee that those things get better with time. Everything gets better in time.
I really need to pray that God gives me the strength to let go of all these unreal expectations, so I can stop being so hard on myself. I'm not doing myself or anyone else any good with thinking things that others don't. I need to be the best ME that I can be everyday. Like they always say,
Source: 27.media.tumblr.com via Emily on Pinterest
Source: 27.media.tumblr.com via Emily on Pinterest
No comments:
Post a Comment